10 lessons from John Gottman’s book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last:
1. The four horsemen of the apocalypse. Gottman identified four communication patterns that can predict divorce with 90% accuracy: contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. If you want to save your marriage, it’s important to avoid these four communication patterns.
2. Turn towards each other instead of away. When your spouse tries to connect with you, turn towards them instead of away. This means giving them your full attention and listening to them with empathy.
3. Build a love map of your partner. A love map is a deep understanding of your partner’s inner world. It includes knowing their hopes, dreams, fears, and values. The more you know about your partner, the better equipped you will be to support them and nurture your relationship.
4. Share fondness and admiration for your partner. Let your partner know how much you appreciate and admire them. This can be done through words, actions, or both.
5. Solve your solvable problems. Every couple has problems, but some problems are solvable and others are not. It’s important to focus on solving the problems that can be solved and to accept the problems that cannot be solved.
6. Manage your conflict in a healthy way. All couples have conflict, but the way you handle conflict can make a difference between a happy marriage and a miserable one. It’s important to communicate calmly and respectfully, even when you’re disagreeing.
7. Create shared meaning in your relationship. Shared meaning is what makes your relationship special. It’s the things that you share together, such as values, goals, and dreams. Find ways to create shared meaning in your relationship and nurture it over time.
8. Make your marriage a priority. It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of everyday life, but it’s important to make your marriage a priority. Schedule time for each other on a regular basis and make sure to do things that you both enjoy.
9. Seek professional help if needed. If you’re struggling with your marriage, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. A therapist can teach you communication skills, conflict resolution skills, and other tools to help you improve your relationship.
10. Never give up on your marriage. Marriage is hard work, but it’s worth it. If you’re both committed to making your marriage work, you can overcome any challenge that comes your way.
Gottman’s book is a valuable resource for couples who want to improve their relationship and build a lasting marriage. If you’re serious about making your marriage work, I highly recommend reading this book.
Book: https://amzn.to/3vDKD99
Audiobook: https://amzn.to/3YW7pn1
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